After some time, I have just re-watched the original Star Wars (Episode IV).
I am old enough that my copy is on VHS, and has minimal tampering.
Fortified with a bottle of gin, and an associate who has also viewed the trilogy multiple times, we Decided to re-interpret the movies based on
a) knowing the entire plot
b) being jaded motherfuckers
c) the aforementioned bottle of gin
I Highly Encourage everyone who is a fan of the movies to do this at some point. In our Vision, Han Solo is a stumblefuck retard, and all-around shitty negotiator. R2-D2 is a sex-bot only in it for the lulz. Luke is a stone-cold killer, and Obi-Wan is a lazy manipulating bastard.
Further detail will follow if the muse permits and the gin holds out.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Here, I burn bridges.
As I have gotten somewhat older, I have found that I am much less 'tolerant'. Some of this is generic old-person crankiness and resistance to change, to be sure, and another portion is a result of having absorbed much knowledge and reading and considering a great many things Trivial. I belive the third portion is due to a mile-wide streak of "Fuck the Man", which I was instilled with at a young age.
Bearing that in mind, I feel the Urge on Occasion to piss in things other people put on a pedestal.
So, today's post: Jesus of Nazareth, kind of an Asshole.
The passage in question is about Lazarus, homeboy of Jesus, and his ressurection.
The link is above, for those who would like to check my sources.
Initially, Jesus gets a message that his friend Lazarus is ill, and needs help. Jesus' response is "Fuck it.". More specifically, the Lord did not wish to interrupt his bender to go see his friend on his deathbed. The disciples encourage Jesus to join Laz and his family that they might "die" and comfort the family. After two (2) days, Jesus gets on his ass and goes to see Laz. Who is, at this point, dead. For four (4) days.
Bronze-age communications technology being what it was, He can be Forgiven for two (2) of those days.
Jesus greets the grieving family of Laz and tells them that Laz is just fine. Martha (in my mind, rightfully) calls Jesus a dick, and says that if He had been there, Laz would not have died. Jesus dares her to disbelive His divinity, saying her brother will rise/live again.
Mary, at this point, berates Jesus for his laziness and also tells him that if he had been there her brother would not have died.
Now, Jesus says "I got this." and raises Laz from the dead. During the passages that describe this incredibly dickish action, we get the shortest passage in the bible: "Jesus wept".
Because he was a lazy asshole, and got called on it.
Bear with me.
Jesus just raised Lazarus from the dead. His family has already stated that they admit that Jesus is the son of God. So. Everyone in the scene has to deal with the following Unfortunate Implications.
1) Jesus chilled for two (2) days rather than help out his homeboy.
2) We must assume that Laz is a Righteous Dude, as his family knows J.C. and he was raised from the dead.
3) Knowing and believing that Jesus is the Son of God, these two women had to mourn for their brother for four (4) days after he died, and deal with Jesus taking two (2) days to dick around before showing his face.
4) Laz was in Heaven. In the Presence and Glory of God, experiencing the Ultimate Reward for a live lived well. And then Jesus tormented his family and brought him back to Earth into a rotting body that was mentioned as being smellier than a hobo's ballsack (John 11:39).
Or, as I like to put it: "Surprise, your zombie brother is alive again, headed back to the bar, fuck ya'll!"
Bearing that in mind, I feel the Urge on Occasion to piss in things other people put on a pedestal.
So, today's post: Jesus of Nazareth, kind of an Asshole.
The passage in question is about Lazarus, homeboy of Jesus, and his ressurection.
The link is above, for those who would like to check my sources.
Initially, Jesus gets a message that his friend Lazarus is ill, and needs help. Jesus' response is "Fuck it.". More specifically, the Lord did not wish to interrupt his bender to go see his friend on his deathbed. The disciples encourage Jesus to join Laz and his family that they might "die" and comfort the family. After two (2) days, Jesus gets on his ass and goes to see Laz. Who is, at this point, dead. For four (4) days.
Bronze-age communications technology being what it was, He can be Forgiven for two (2) of those days.
Jesus greets the grieving family of Laz and tells them that Laz is just fine. Martha (in my mind, rightfully) calls Jesus a dick, and says that if He had been there, Laz would not have died. Jesus dares her to disbelive His divinity, saying her brother will rise/live again.
Mary, at this point, berates Jesus for his laziness and also tells him that if he had been there her brother would not have died.
Now, Jesus says "I got this." and raises Laz from the dead. During the passages that describe this incredibly dickish action, we get the shortest passage in the bible: "Jesus wept".
Because he was a lazy asshole, and got called on it.
Bear with me.
Jesus just raised Lazarus from the dead. His family has already stated that they admit that Jesus is the son of God. So. Everyone in the scene has to deal with the following Unfortunate Implications.
1) Jesus chilled for two (2) days rather than help out his homeboy.
2) We must assume that Laz is a Righteous Dude, as his family knows J.C. and he was raised from the dead.
3) Knowing and believing that Jesus is the Son of God, these two women had to mourn for their brother for four (4) days after he died, and deal with Jesus taking two (2) days to dick around before showing his face.
4) Laz was in Heaven. In the Presence and Glory of God, experiencing the Ultimate Reward for a live lived well. And then Jesus tormented his family and brought him back to Earth into a rotting body that was mentioned as being smellier than a hobo's ballsack (John 11:39).
Or, as I like to put it: "Surprise, your zombie brother is alive again, headed back to the bar, fuck ya'll!"
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