How to fuck up your UI in one easy step

No, this is not going to be about the questionable utility of Yet Another Fuck A Stranger App.

Step 1: Build the app.

Step 2:  Admit in public that you have no idea how users would . . . well . . . use it. Or what they would use it for. If you find yourself suggesting that additional applications are probably necessary to get anything done with your app, throw the fucking thing out and start over.

I know innovation is hard and all, but goddammit, if I had to fire up emacs on the side to get shit done with Visual Studio, I would Not Use Visual Studio. Designing the layout for the user interface on an application is hard enough when you have a clear vision of what the thing is good for. If it's such an amorphous mess or you haven't talked to your (potential) users to find out what they really like, then you are probably going to fuck things up terribly. Looking at you, Mozilla.

Now, I don't think that the Gmail UI is the best thing ever, but Google does try to get this stuff right.
You're using an email application? Great! Notice that the 'compose' button is the big red one? That is not an accident. All the individual messages on the right? Of course you can click those to read the whole thing. Google wants to plug their silly-ass Google Plus nonsense - there's a little link for 'Circles' on the left under all the other folders.
Now, if Google had no idea what the hell people were going to be doing with Gmail, I will guarantee that those buttons would not be in the same place, or even present on the main Gmail screen. And imagine how much of a pain in the ass a mail app would be with no compose / new message button front and center. This is the kind of crap that gets overlooked when you don't know what the fuck people are going to do with your shiny new program|service|whatever. Congratulations! You just wasted a bunch of development time to piss off your userbase and have to spend time 'fixing' the stuff you should have been paying attention to from the beginning!

Without letting this turn into a 50-page manifesto: You can't know everything that users are going to want to do with your program, but you should have a really, really good idea about the core functionality and make that easy to use.

Thanks Obama!

From: $Executive
Sent: Tuesday, November 05, 2013
To: *Everyone
Cc: *Board
Subject: Breaking News Regarding Health Insurance Benefits!

As each and every one of you is already aware, as you have more than likely felt its effects, health insurance costs have risen dramatically for years now, and they are expected to continue to increase.  Additionally, with the rollout of Obamacare, each and every one of us will be asked to help support the costs of the underinsured and uninsured.
It is with these facts in mind that I am excited to announce that we just completed the renewal of our  insurance benefits program for 2014.  Under the 2014 program, you will continue to receive essentially the same benefits as you have in the past.  Furthermore, despite the continued rise in health care costs, we were able to keep premiums in check for 2014, with minimal increases in biweekly premiums, on average, of only $4!
>Human Resources will be providing you with additional details about the plan and open enrollment period over the next week.  In the meantime do not hesitate to contact HR or myself with any questions.
Sincerely, $Executive
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So glad you shut down the government over this one, guys! Seriously, $8 a month? This is the huge fucking cost increase I've heard talk radio assholes and right-wing douchebags screeching about? I know radio is dead as hell, so maybe Rush, Bill and company aren't making much scratch these days, but I make $8 in like 30 seconds at my job.
Anyone still bitching about a cost increase is an idiot, or doesn't make shit. Fuck them.
Anyone who won't kick up $8 to help another American who needs a hand is an asshole. Fuck them bloody and spit in their face.
*Full disclosure: I've had pretty good insurance through workplaces for about 7 years now, and I've used it a grand total of one (1) time. I'm already subsidizing other people's health care. THAT IS HOW INSURANCE WORKS.

Like Christmas in October

So, they went through with it. Obstructionist cocksuckers have once again, shut down the government. Because this went so well Last Time.  All I can do is laugh, for a variety of reasons.

First, this is obviously retarded behavior. Most people think this strategy blows.
Second,  I like it when bad stuff happens to ignorant jackasses, and the Venn diagram of that group &

Republicans has a pretty large overlap. Not to say there isn't also an overlap of Democrats and Jackasses, but they are somewhat less likely to get busted doing something they spend thousands of hours and dollars decrying. (c.f. / Google Vitter, Thurmond, DeLay, Foley, Hopper, Sessions, Ashburn, Duvall, Stanley, Sanford, Ensign, Berlin, Fossella, McKee, Thompson, Allen, Craig . . .) Fun fact, one of the main groups that would be helped tremendously by Obamacare? Also highly-likely to be fucked over by a shutdown? Guess.

In the event that you're link-averse, it's the Tea Party's main demographic.

Third, and this is really the most important one to me. A couple of people I am very close to are active service members. We don't agree about everything. And now? They're not getting paid. The opportunity to mock decorated special forces trained service members for being merely "volunteers" instead of getting a real paying job like any other hardworking American? Priceless.


On a more serious note, this obviously does suck a lot for reservists and college kids who recently joined up. They don't have a lot of spare coin laying around, buy 'em a beer or a meal or something until this blows over.

Carl Panzram's magical mystery tour

Normally, when playing a videogame with a well-established 'plot', my usual defense mechanism is to play the first 15 minutes or so, make up what the game is actually about, turn off the sound, ignore all dialog prompts and run with that mindset as far as I can.
For some games, this works beautifully. Resident Evil 4? Actually the story of Leee-awwn S. Kennedy, rogue INS agent, using the power invested in him by Texas and the other 49, lesser states to evict all the Mexicans from Mexico.

Bioshock? Hobo-Thor goes on a rampage.

Silent Hill 2? Thanks to my girlfriend: Drunken James and his acid-fueled bender in Detroit.

But now I've started playing Bioshock: Infinite (yes yes, the only PC game I've played within a decade of its release date.) And . . . so far I'm not sure I need to do that. The story is all well and good, but so far it looks like I'm just a serial killer / terrorist / anti-christ figure on a particularly bad day. I started the game with a spree-killing at a festival, kidnapped a girl, murdered rather a lot of the local police, and then killed a military officer execution style for sassing me. The game seems to be backing me up here, since all I've seen so far is that Booker is more or less a regular drunken asshole who only agreed to the kidnapping to wipe out an old gambling debt. So, for the first time . . . I think I'm the bad guy.

And if the game is going to let me, I am going to kill every last NPC in this game with fire and steal their things. Because I have a claw-hand and really poor impulse control.

ROCK and ROLL MOTHER FUCKERS

This has been stuck in my head for weeks. This is how all music videos should be done. Disregard the boobs, this is a video that will teach you how to be a man. Even if you're a girl!

I am a big fan of irony

I am not a particularly big fan of kids dying.
A few links, for review:
http://hollywoodlife.com/2010/02/26/jenny-mccarthy-says-her-son-evan-never-had-autism/
http://www.jennymccarthybodycount.com/Anti-Vaccine_Body_Count/Home.html

When I loaded that page, it was up to 118,000+ illnesses and and over 1,100 deaths. From easily preventable shit. Because people still believe that autism is linked to mother fucking vaccines.
No.
It is not.
So, over 1,100 kids are dead now, because their jackass parents wouldn't get them immunized. And one of the most vocal advocates of that "movement" now has to deal with a mis-diagnosis and spending years dooming a bunch of kids by ranting against them getting medical treatment.
I'm going to go drink a lot.

Names changed to protect the guilty

Being a moderately-talented programmer, I am a big fan of the Daily WTF. Since I am also a shitty writer, I submit the following, in accordance with the style of the site.

Part 1: The Interview
Nathan arrived at the group interview for a webmaster / developer position with ACME Corporation. The phone interview had gone well, and he was one of 4 people selected for the final group interview. During the phone interview, the owner of ACME, Bob, briefly explained that they were looking for someone with expertise in HTML and XML to develop a new web app for their site, and gave Nathan the time & place to show up. Arriving at the office, there were two other applicants, an older gentleman in a suit, and a college aged guy. The final applicant never showed up. Since the position was offering far more than the average market value for salary, Nathan assumed the competition for the job would be stiff.

All 3 applicants were brought to a room, and Bob spoke about the company history, as well as what he was looking for in future development with the website. Then he started asking the 3 candidates questions. The older gentleman went first, and began his tale of woe about his failed business teaching people Java. After about 20 minutes, he finished by saying that he couldn't understand why he never attracted many clients, and was looking to get into "web stuff". The college kid hadn't had a web development job before, but he was currently running a Linux server out of his mom's basement hosting some sites for his friends. He didn't know XML, but he felt confidant that he would be able to master classic ASP well enough to do a bang-up job on ACME's projects. He lived two counties away, and assured Bob that his first priority upon being hired would be to buy a reliable car so he would be able to commute to the office regularly.

5 minutes into the older man's speech on "Object Orientated Programming", Nathan started idly doodling on the notepad he habitually carried around. When the young man finished, he looked at Bob and stated "I don't know if there's a new spec out, but all my Java books have the words 'Object Oriented' on the cover. I live around the corner from the office, and I've spent the last decade working in web development for [corporations you would recognize]." He slid his notebook across the table to Bob. "Here's a rough sketch of the XML and transactions to set up the service, based on what we've talked about. I would need some more detail on the points marked on that page, but it shouldn't be too tough to build."
Bob asked Nathan a few more questions, and the interview ended.

Part 2: A few months later
Nathan had learned over the course of the last few months that "HTML and XML" were indeed part of the requirements for the job. Also, managing ACME's SQL server, web server, Exchange server, as well as maintaining the site written in classic ASP using splashes of XML, JavaScript, VB Script, coded by roughly 10 people over the last few years with varying levels of documentation. And troubleshooting the PCs and printers used by the office staff. That along with a lengthy list of new app and feature requests made for a broad set of tasks each day. The company website was also the backbone of their operations, all work done at ACME was through the site. The office staff would log in every morning, and begin entering orders the less technical customers had faxed in, as well as processing the orders they had received. The front end of the site was the tip of a large iceberg of back end custom features to support this.
Around 11PM one Saturday night, Nathan's phone began ringing while he was in the middle of a 'liquid therapy' session at the local bar. Bob's voice was frantic: "The login page on our site doesn't work! We need this fixed now!" Nathan, drunk and feeling no urgency to overhaul a login page on a weekend, sighed, grabbed his laptop and checked the site.

Sure enough, his login failed when trying to access the site. He also noticed some strange script text showing up on various pages on the site. Odd, where was these strings coming from? In the back of his well lubricated mind, alarm klaxons started blaring. Logging in to the web server and SQL server, Nathan noticed a high volume of traffic coming from an IP in Russia. And that the table for user accounts now had all-new information instead of the encrypted usernames and passwords it was supposed to contain. Username fields now contained the same script tags he'd seen on other parts of the site. Knowing that this was bad, and not feeling up to resolving the obvious issue, Nathan set up a blanket ban for all IPs outside of the U.S., reset all user accounts and changed all of the passwords, and removed the login form from the site. Not wanting to try to explain this while drunk, he called Bob back and notified him that he located the problem, and that logging in to the site would be disabled until he had a chance to review the issue more thoroughly in the morning. Satisfied that whatever script kiddies were dicking around with SQL injection were thwarted for the time being, he headed home to catch a little sleep, sober up, and begin proper investigation.

A few hours later, examining the database revealed that 3 tables had data overwritten. Two of those had basic information that would be piped out to the site upon request, and the 3rd was the table of user data. Nathan restored the two tables with a backup from the previous week, since nothing there changed much and started going through the code on the site looking for vulnerabilities. Each passing hour spiked his blood pressure a little more. Finally, he called Bob. "Who set up the security on the site?" Knowing that the answer would be Local IT Outsourcing Shop. "The local shop did it. We had them run tests on the site, and patch all the holes." "Do we have any documentation on what was found and what they did?" Bob replied that there was indeed documentation, as ACME had paid handsomely for such a service. Nathan agreed to meet Bob at the office immediately to see that doc, as it appeared that there were still some outstanding issues.
Bob proudly handed over a 20 page document of noted security issues with the site, and a form verifying that they had all been addressed. Nathan checked each one in turn, noting that SQL injection was one of the issues tagged as 'high priority' on the very first page. After reviewing all of the issues and the code on the site, he walked into Bob's office.

"So, about those security issues in the report."
"Yes?"
"How much did we pay to have those fixed?"
"[large number of dollars]"
"You might have overpaid. The thing that broke the login page trashed some of our database, and was not fixed. Neither was anything else listed on that report. None of the security fixes were put into place."
Bob stared in disbelief. "What do you mean, nothing?"
"Not a single goddamned thing was ever patched. I checked the whole report, and the major flaws were not addressed at all. So . . . . I'm going to take a couple days to address these items, but here's a copy of the site files from the day I started. I imagine this will be useful to the lawyers."

Adventures in product land

*tap tap*
This thing still on?

So, one of the side-effects of getting a promotion for a position that I did very little research into means that I'm now part of a department that I have next to no knowledge about. To my eternal shame, I am now part of Marketing, and transitioning from a hard science tech oriented role to becoming another cog in the eternal bullshit factory has required that I do a lot of external reading to get up to speed.
But.
It's going well, so far. I enjoy most of what I do, and it's interesting work. On the other hand, I am now constantly evaluating things from a "product" standpoint. I stumbled across this article a little while ago: http://techcrunch.com/2013/06/18/the-offline-glass-ensures-you-talk-not-text-at-the-bar/ and I initially thought "That's kind of a neat idea. Force people to not be phone/Facebook addicted when they're out at the bar with their friends."

After a couple hours, I'm more concerned that the condensation from the glass will wreck the phone, and the bar runs a liability risk for destroying people's gadgets. I saw what the cost would be for my phone if I had to pay for the thing out of pocket, and I'm pretty sure "let it get soaked at the bar" isn't something my provider will look upon kindly.

If I got asked to solve this problem, I'd go about it from an incentive-based standpoint. A few bars here will grab a pint glass if you're running a tab and just drop slips in it with your drink orders then total it up at the end of the night. I'd suggest adding a small discount to all drink prices for any group or customer that added their phones to the pint glass / container and left them behind the counter for the time they're out. Obviously all drink prices immediately go up by $0.50 to offset any lost cashflow from the 'discount'.  Problem solved, no new hardware required.
Or redesign the glass to funnel all condensation off using a channel in the glass base, or whatever. I'm open to other options here.
Just a thought.

I am entirely too pleased with this video

Obviously, it is Gagnam Style by PSY, because I am a fan of the absurd. The overall success of this thing baffles me - I like it because the song is moderately catchy, but the video itself looks like it was designed by committee. In an asylum. Where the good drugs were being pumped into the air, water, and testicles of everyone inside.
Let's break this down. I am using, for reference, this version.

0:05 in, we get this fade-in:

This. . . This appears to be a young woman with a PSY fan. I can't speak to the marketing genius of putting a  cartoon version of oneself on a fan, but OK, I can live with this.
Oh look, PSY is lounging and being fanned by this woman. OK, that's fine.
...
Wait. What the hell? 0:15

He's lounging on a goddamned playground. That kid looks pretty pissed-off about the dude setting up shop with his chair & umbrella in the middle of their dodgeball field. PSY, starting a trend for the video, gives exactly zero fucks. When PSY feels it is time to chill, children can go straight to hell. He's setting up shop and having some PSY time.

18 seconds in. Time to invade the local stables.
Wait, weren't we just in some playground? Fuck it. Horses are going to be part of this. Shit just got real.

And the local children rejoice! With an impromptu Michael Jackson dance as PSY spits a mouthful of Everclear into the air. Having successfully recruited a batch of urchins to his cause, PSY continues his crusade on the human psyche.

And here it begins. 26 seconds in. This goddamned horse dance shows up for the first time. This is PSY, seen here mastering his form, in the same way as kung-fu masters observe animal fighting techniques and learn to wreck faces. Why dance like a horse? You are asking the wrong questions. PSY doesn't need to answer that, he is here to start a crusade of shenanigans and YOU WILL BE A PART OF IT.

Aaaaand they let him near models. PSY, not understanding human needs like "breathing" has a bunch of fans blow fake snow at him. He accepts this as an awesome thing to do. The models cringe like every woman I've ever dated and shield their mouths & noses. Also like every woman I've ever dated. PSY gives zero fucks, and proceeds onward toward the storm, dragging the frightened and uncomfortable women with him towards glory.

Now he's in a sauna. Dressed like a woman. This is all of 4 seconds later in the video. Pudgy dudes have no protection against PSY, he will cuddle the fuck out of you in a sauna, you WILL join the crusade. If you refuse:

BOOM! Fuck you karate dudes, all opposition will be eliminated. Some directors would ask "why do we need that shot?", PSY just says "We already shot the footage, now you put that shit in, this is going to be a damned masterpiece."

One minute, eleven seconds in. We dance in a barn! With models! They will also the horse dance!
PSY, buddy, you have literally not worn the same outfit for more than 5 seconds in a row and you've been terrifying the local populace. Why are you on a rampage of horse dancing all up in peoples' shit?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  See, if I were to do this, that would be considered "assault". PSY decides that horse dancing at people going for a pleasant jog is a way to remind them that they are never safe. This is 1:17 into the video, and those women are frantically trying to find a way to run at full speed in reverse. PSY cackles and chases them off frame before heading on to

. . . horse dance on a boat. Of course he does. But the life vest! Safety first! Now! On to the local outdoor yoga class where PSY will

. . . Scream at womens' asses. I . . . I have no idea what's going on anymore. I will confess, I have done a lot of various pharmaceuticals at various points in my life, and I still indulge in the demon booze on a regular basis. This man is now one minute and forty seconds into this video and he has already taken a hard right at crazy-town and is busy plowing through the strip mall in insanity-ville.

Oh thank christ. Someone thought to stop this man, and has summoned a guy in full-on Game of Death Bruce Lee getup to put an end to this. Horse dancing models flee, to avoid the oncoming carnage.

Or dance-off. I can already see how this will end. PSY's horse dance technique is unstoppable. The only thing left here is the gloating.

By having a young man in a cowboy hat sporting a PSY medallion do pelvic thrusts in an elevator. In all honesty? I can't think of a better way to show dominance. This is how I want to show up to an event, at least once in my life. You aren't getting on this elevator, this one is reserved for champions.
Let the above image soak in, and think about what went in to that shot: PSY is wearing a suit chilling on the floor, he's not even the focus of this. He's got a dude, whose sole purpose in life right now is to dance like a maniac over him, dressed in Roman legion sandals, 80s shorts, a cowboy hat, some lime-green shirt with a tail (!), and a medallion with his own face on it. And that guy looks ecstatic about it. PSY is brainwashing the world.

Random girls on the bus are even falling prey to this. PSY is a cult leader with no standards - you're in the elevator? HORSE DANCE. You're on the bus? DANCE MOTHER FUCKER. It no longer matters, everyone is going to get in on this. Also? We're just over 2 minutes in.

Listen woman. You're going to dance and like it.
That glazed-but-happy look on her face? That is acceptance.

PSY surfaces in yet another bath house, just to remind people: you are safe nowhere. PSY will find you. And there will be horse dancing. PSY never stops. He never sleeps. There is no escape. Hell, he probably does this when he's

Yes. Yes he does. The bar has been raised. Do you indoctrinate people when you're on the shitter? No? Get out of here, PSY doesn't never stop. This is now his world, we're just living in it. And horse dancing.

How ubiquitous is this shit? Youtube changed their damn code for this video. I am not lying:

PSY wins.

The Reading List. 2012 Edition.

So, I will preface this by saying this Reading List is somewhat anemic compared to previous years. This is True, but I have helpfully marked the books over 1,000 pages with an asterisk as somewhat of a salve to mine own ego.

Things I have read in 2012, by Nyar. Age 31.

My Childhood
Notes from the Underground
The Gambler
Strange Communists I Have Known
The Yellow Line
Citizen of the Galaxy
Friday
Slaughterhouse Five
Stranger in a Strange Land
Starship Troopers
The Best War Ever
Broken Government
Alan Turing: The Enigma
The Sirens of Titan
Ender's Game
Speaker for the Dead
The Gunslinger
The Drawing of the Three
The Waste Lands
Wizard and Glass
Wolves of the Calla
Song of Susannah
The Dark Tower*
Wind through the Keyhole
Agents of Light and Darkness
Nightingale's Lament
Hex and the City
Paths not Taken
Sharper than a Serpent's Tooth
Hell to Pay
The Unnatural Inquirer
Just Another Judgement Day
The Good, the Bad, and the Uncanny
A Hard Day's Knight
The Big U
Zodiac
Snow Crash
The Diamond Age: or A Young Lady's Illustrated Primer
Cryptonomicon*
Quicksilver*
The Confusion*
The System of the World*
Anathem*
The Mongoliad
Reamde*
The Last Continent
Night Watch
Making Money
Pyramids
Snuff
Already Dead
No Dominion
Half the Blood of Brooklyn
Every Last Drop
My Dead Body
The Mystic Arts of Erasing All Signs of Death
Daughter of the Blood
Heir to the Shadows
The Preacher (1-9)

more than I cannot remember.